Changes (My Life Update)

RANDOM UPDATE... sorry its been so long!
I saw social networks light up with surprise of my new skills and new interest. My friend Mark Carey spoke over the phone with such joy that I resorted to something creative to keep my mind off foolishness of a boy and his uncertainty of himself and my place in which I was erased from. Instead, I picked up a camera and decided to make some money. Just over two months ago, I was destroyed thinking of the past and how presently someone could treat me so wrong and replace me as if I was never there. But surprisingly I stepped up and decided to put that energy of worrying into a creative force which produced tremendous results. Its been over a year since he left and I got depressed, but with great fall come triumphant climbs to new heights… A Change… Changes?

I am scared of change, so I thought. I go to the same places and eat the something’s but urn for change. Strange? I want to be this woman I see inside my head.. Jinxxx! The alter ego that hits the stage with confidence and gets things done. Small changes has happened since my boyfriend of 8 years let me go but not as huge as my new found happiness in finding who I’m and what I want as a person. For to long despair and questions of my womanhood controlled me because of my x-boyfriend choosing to be with a man. I’m not going to lie it hurts like hell and ive come to the conclusion based on his actions that I was just there taking up space all this time. So as I battle past that, the sun shines with so much hope that I tend to worry less and less everyday about his existence and new found life. People never see how much they can hurt a person or make a person grow. Its funny…

So I’ve also got a new love in traveling and seeing the world. I don’t need no one to do that. As I save for my house and my ultimate independence I see things I truly never paid attention to. These are things in life which I should put more energy into. Not him.

I’ve done a book on my whole ordeal because it is more then meets the eye and more that I do not share. I hope to get it published and copyright. Its called “In Love With Bi”. My growth process is included in order to help some other woman conquer hardships and avoid the unnecessary drama.

Lavar “Conscious” Clark lifted me up ten feet high when he said he wanted to get his shoot done. Needless to say we haven’t spoke much in awhile because of little things but it seems he’s back to motivating me to do my music and do me as best as possible. Lavar is a friend who has been good to me for awhile. We had our differences but we always end up back in contact with our love of hip-hop. Inspired me to stay on my game and as we talk more I hope it gets stronger.

People wonder where photography came from. Well I look at the art of a person who started off so small and gained so much just by picking up a camera and was inspired. I been inspired since the first day he took my photos but with my clandestine ways I kept that love for his work inside. He’s brilliant, and brings out the art of his photos . He Is vigilant with every detail and determined to excel beyond the horizon. A lot of people know Wali work! Hats off to him and his art and determination.

My Family has been so patient with me and my dreams and goals. School and work has been a battle. Economic times all got everyone in a bind but I still receive support contently from my family. Consistent and for that I owe them to keep striving. HELL I owe myself. This blog has jumped around but whatever..

Trying to stay focus and whatever comes shall come.

People ask me do I need a man ?

I respond if a man shall come he shall be my friend first.

And best of all he shall respect me and love himself as much as I will grow to love him..

So to answer that NO I don’t need a man… indeed I want one. Lol but in time… When I spend time,
When he and I both have time
To create time
To love time and spend it understanding each other mind.
Lol answer your question?
Lol

This is a random OPEN update.. and it went here and there but It was on my mind…

A ball of things.. I just want to keep happy.. and I will… Positive sight equals a better light… better images… better everything…

And with that…. Peace!

Shy: Full Of Life

My dog shy has got to be one of the best gifts given to me in my life besides my other dog Angel who passed last year. Angel was given to my moms but this dog Shy was given to me. She is full of energy, curiosity and life. The representation of who I strive to be in the days that past. May sound weird but she has this personality with her that can light up people faces and make them laugh and adjust to her energy. Weird huh? That's how i want to be in life. and i want to strive for it

Her Baby Died

Her baby died on a Saturday afternoon..
her heart cried but no emotion ran high on the outside
He told her he didn’t want the baby from her, yet he didn’t mind a kid...
She was a high risk pregnancy, she wanted it to live.
Excited by the idea, but torn from a past love.
He was a heartless soul who time after time smashed her.
She changed her number and hope later they can be friends but it made em angry
He never be the same again
So when she told him the news he was for the responsibility
He questioned her though he been the only one in, he took her virginity
He doubted her truthful though he was the one full of lies..
he didn’t want to talk to her, he couldn’t look her in the eyes..
He called her crazy, he spit on her name, he didn’t care for her
He never be the same
Driving her in pain she spit words of acid at his ear
She missed him but couldn’t say sweet things to make him appear..
Her fear trying to live without him and he not wanting to be a father...
So when he said he didn’t want the child by her, it drowned her in water..
All good some weeks ago, he moved in for the slaughter...
Manipulation of the mind, pinned her so behind, she was discouraged by his reply
Truth be told love is cold, left her with no comfort or check up so he would never know.
She lost her baby on a Saturday..
Alone now hoping for better days..
And where is he?
With a new person he celebrates..

REFRESH (dedicated to MBW)

REFRESH, RESET, SEE THE WORLD…
DEPRESSED NO MORE COMPRESS NO MORE A LITTLE GIRL
HIGH STEP IM BLESSED I SEE A NEW CURVE
FOCUS IN HIGH DEF
SO HARD I HAD TO LEARN
LOVE SELF LOVE LIFE
GIVING MYSELF WHAT I DESERVE
TIME TICKS I GET THE BEST OF EVERY MINUTE
I WISH THINGS WERE A BIT DIFFERENT
BUT THE PRESENT IS WHAT’S PRESENTED
NO NEED TO BACKTRACK I STEPPED THAT TOO MUCH
I’VE SAID THINGS I’VE SHOULDN’T AND FUCKED UP
BUT CANT CHANGE THOSE THINGS ALL I CAN DO IS BE HERE NOW
SEE CLEAR NOW…
DO U SEE WHO I’AM NOW?
WANT THE BEST FOR YOU THAT A NEVER CHANGE
WANT THE BEST FOR ME SELF LOVE IS THE BIGGEST THING
THINGS A NEVER BE THE SAME, BUT ITS A NEW LIFETIME..
OUR MOVIE WAS SCRIPT COULD BE ON LIFETIME.
BUT HAPPY ENDINGS I JUST WONT HAVE WITH YOU.
PAINTING A NEW BEGINNING REFRESH AND BRAND NEW
PAST REMINDS ME ALL THE TIME, CANT GO NO WHERE WITHOUT THINKING BOUT U
BUT IM HERE NOW CLEAR NOW, WAVES CLEAR, SAILING WHILE THE SKY IS BLUE
LEARN LIVE, A GROWTH AND I CAN STILL THANK U..
BUT I THANK MYSELF 4 BEING WHAT U NEVER THOUGHT I DO
REFRESH SMILES SHAPE AND NOW ITS NOT SO BAD
PUT INTO A DOOR LOCKED DELETE AND FORGOT WHAT HAS MADE ME MAD
NEW CLASS OF MY OWN, FEELING GOOD AS I HOPE IT GETS BETTER FOR US BOTH!
BUT FINALLY IN A SUMMERY CONGRATULATIONS I’VE MOVED ON!!

This is dedicated to a friend MBW and tho he never see it.. made me smile the face I can speak this way and feel so strong about it. All love. Kisses till next time

down to the wire, i be there

Make Me Smile

I don't want to crack a smile.
I been through somethings...
But mama always say there is clear skies after a rain..
After my storm..
My tears had flood my sight..
The waves were big and so i lost sight..
But clear sailing ahead.. the breeze ease me..
And when i know you are around a smile comes so easy..
I see me.. Happy and beginning to breathe freely.
I toast to the heavens, how could i not see the blessings you feed me..?
The pieces fell apart but the recovery is on paste.
I gotta give love to you and all the time you put in to curve my face!
Make me smile, geek, laugh without no hesitate.
let this lead somewhere
let you stay apart of me.

Love Suicide...

What a beautiful world little girls and boys!
I’m sure things weren’t suppose to turn out the way it did. I’m so positive that my mind didn’t see the things as they lived. And as I should.. I walk away with the coldest feeling.
So exhausted of caring that I turned the other cheek
With so much on the table, I just was not able to accept friendship as our only destination
In this moment in time the only choices I have is to live without you in the current equation.
I can’t live like this..
depressed, compressed, in a bubble I express, in the sheets you undress, on your dick is climbing numbers and I can not be just a number…
I leave with only wonder, best wishes, tip my hat and give deuces.
Open my heart up every time but you just look at me like I’m stupid
While you dip and doodle, I remain chained to you getting brutal whip lashes
from the heartless branches you pass.. oh every time I just wish I could just laugh.
Gashed open heart and I’m just bleeding. The shit you do is so misleading, so believing, I EVEN thought for a second you loved me. Maybe it was not a front maybe it was something temporary in your mind
But i..
Want to love.
Have a family and build my trust up to give a fuck one day..
Some day, some how it a all be far for me and you.
One day I will be all I should been for me and you.
You and I.
Trapped into a love suicide.
But I boys and girls .. I’m the one who dies while he lives..
Mistakes were not 100% his..
What a wonderful world..
What a beautiful cold world..

Artist Jinxxx Speaks On 2010 & 2011 MEN and ADVICE

So Ive decided to do a video blog on what i been going threw and the changes and all wanta see how those work out.. check it out and tell me what u think via email or bottom of the page!! thank u! Just talking about men, my music and a lil advice to some of my ladies out there.